[inspectorD]

Contractor - A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut, or deal.

Bid opening - A poker game in which the losing hand wins.

Bid - A wild guess carried out to two decimal places.

Low bidder - Contractor who was bluffing and is wondering what he left out.

Engineer's estimate - The cost of construction in heaven.

Architect - Thinks 3 dimensional, draws 2 dimensional....missing one dimension.

Critical path method - A management technique for losing your shirt under perfect control.

Strike - An effort to increase egg production by strangling the chicken.

Delayed payment - A tourniquet applied at the pockets.

Auditor - Person who goes in after the war is lost and bayonets the bodies.

Lawyer - Person who goes in after the auditor to strip the bodies. (Good thing this is family orientated)

And saving the best for last....

OSHA - A protective coating made by half baking a mixture of fine print, red tape, split hairs and baloney....usually applied at random with a shotgun.

[asbestos]

two penguins are taking a bath, when they get out one penguin says to the other "Can you pass me a towel?" the other penguin says "What do I look like, a chair?"





ps - if someone can explain that joke to me, that would be great

[Square Eye]

I think it means that there's no hope for you Asbestos.

[Gandul]

It is really??

[inspectorD]

Well here goes ....sorry in advance.

Sing to the beat.....

Doe....the stuff that buys me beer.

Ray...the guy that serves me beeeeeeerrrrr.

Me..the guy who drinks the beer,
Fa..never the distance to my beeerrrrrr.

so..think I'll have another beer...
La..lalalala..beeerrrrrrrr.

Tea..no thanks I'll have more beer...

Douh,do, duho,du,do....i neeed more beer.

Which brings me back to......Dough................

Sing that one on your next night out.
Remember to have some fun with it....I did.... .

[Square Eye]

Advance apology accepted

[inspectorD]

We have 2 joke pages Eh?
Just how do we link the two?hehe

http://www.houserepairtalk.com/f55/official-joke-thread-shop-3793/
Like that.

[inspectorD]

So i'm sittin on the couch today, an my wife asks me what I'm doin today. I looked right at her and said...same thing I did yesterday!! She say's "you didn't do anything yesterday"...and I told her...I wasn't finished ,and needed to complete the job. Then the fight started.........


Save the whales...collect the whole set.....

[Blue Jay]

The Power of a Badge......



DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......


With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

" Your badge. Show him your BADGE ! "

[inspectorD]

Early morning after counting sheep, I woke up with the chickens, crowin like a rooster. And, since I ate like a bird last night, I was hungry as an Ox.
After hogging all the food at breakfast, I worked like a mule, till the cows came home.
That night , I worked the farmers auction, ended up being a little horse.And.. At the end of the day, I was dog tired, and barkin at the moon.
Why did I do it? I may let the cat out of the bag later......