T
TxBuilder
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Funny guys.
Builder's Joke Thread
- Thread starter Square Eye
- Start date
Help Support House Repair Talk:
inspectorD
Housebroken
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Every time I start to push the envelope...I have to remember it is still stationary.:banana::banana::banana::banana:
T
TxBuilder
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Bwanmph bwamph bwamph.
kaytav
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Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
nealtw
Contractor retired
The compresser broke down, so the boss had his crew start framing the back wall by hand. To save time he told them just to tack the plywood on it and stand it up. Once the wall was stud he sent the junior guy out the back to finish nailing the plywood. When he went around to see ow the junior guy was doing, he saw the guy pull nails out of his poutch and through some away.
He asked, why are you thoughing nails away. The new guy answers, the heads are on the wrong end. The boss told him to save them they will work fine on the front of the building.
He asked, why are you thoughing nails away. The new guy answers, the heads are on the wrong end. The boss told him to save them they will work fine on the front of the building.
CallMeVilla
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A contractor dies on a fishing accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band.
Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says Congratulations!
Congratulations for what? asks the contractor
Congratulations for what? says Saint Peter. We are celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old.
But thats not true, says the consultant. I only lived to be forty.
Thats impossible, says Saint Peter, we added up your time sheets!
Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says Congratulations!
Congratulations for what? asks the contractor
Congratulations for what? says Saint Peter. We are celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old.
But thats not true, says the consultant. I only lived to be forty.
Thats impossible, says Saint Peter, we added up your time sheets!
CallMeVilla
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A woman was looking at the animals on display in a pet store. A few minutes later, a man walked in and said to the shopkeeper 'I'll take a Construction Monkey, please.’
The shopkeeper nodded and took a monkey out of a cage. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it the man, saying, 'That'll be $5,000.' The man paid and left with the monkey.
The surprised woman went to the shopkeeper and said, 'That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?’
The shopkeeper answered, 'Ah, that's a Construction Monkey. He can drive trucks, set forms, erect steel & equipment and run pipe, all with no back talk or complaints. He's well worth the money.'
The woman then spotted a monkey in another cage. 'That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?'
'Oh, that one' replied the shopkeeper, 'that's a ' Superintendent Monkey', he can read drawings, answer RFI's, make as-build's and inspect quality. He is very useful monkey indeed.'
The woman looked around a little longer and found a monkey with a $50,000 price tag. The shocked woman exclaimed, 'This one costs more than all the others put together! What in the world can it do?’
‘Well,' said the shopkeeper, 'I've never actually seen him do anything except drink beer and put his hands down his pants. But his papers say he's a Project Manager.’
The shopkeeper nodded and took a monkey out of a cage. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it the man, saying, 'That'll be $5,000.' The man paid and left with the monkey.
The surprised woman went to the shopkeeper and said, 'That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?’
The shopkeeper answered, 'Ah, that's a Construction Monkey. He can drive trucks, set forms, erect steel & equipment and run pipe, all with no back talk or complaints. He's well worth the money.'
The woman then spotted a monkey in another cage. 'That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?'
'Oh, that one' replied the shopkeeper, 'that's a ' Superintendent Monkey', he can read drawings, answer RFI's, make as-build's and inspect quality. He is very useful monkey indeed.'
The woman looked around a little longer and found a monkey with a $50,000 price tag. The shocked woman exclaimed, 'This one costs more than all the others put together! What in the world can it do?’
‘Well,' said the shopkeeper, 'I've never actually seen him do anything except drink beer and put his hands down his pants. But his papers say he's a Project Manager.’
WindowsonWashington
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Ha ha!!!
I am sending this one to my PM.
I am sending this one to my PM.
WindowsonWashington
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I made it through the weekend.
CallMeVilla
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Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from New York, Neal from Canada, and the last one was from Florida.
At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors, the guard said, “Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don’t you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?”
So, to the back fence they all went to check it out.
First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, “Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”
Next was Neal from Canada. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, “Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.
Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, “$2,700.”
The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”
“Easy,” he said $1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire Neal.”
At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors, the guard said, “Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don’t you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?”
So, to the back fence they all went to check it out.
First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, “Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”
Next was Neal from Canada. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, “Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.
Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, “$2,700.”
The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”
“Easy,” he said $1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire Neal.”
CallMeVilla
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Three construction workers are on the seventy-fifth floor of a non-finished building. The Italian opens his lunch box to find a pizza and says "Man, if I get pizza one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!" The Chinese guy opens his lunch box to find rice and says "Man, if I get rice one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!" The blonde guy opens his lunch box to find a cheeseburger and says" Man, if I get a cheeseburger one more time im going to jump off this building and fall to my death!"
So the next day they all got the same thing and they jumped off the building to their death. That weekend at the funeral, the Italian and the Chinese wives are crying and saying "I would have fixed him something else for lunch but he never told me." And as the two wives stare at the blondes wife, they both ask why she isn't sad about her husbands death, the blonde guy's wife replys "Don't look at me, he packs his own lunch."
So the next day they all got the same thing and they jumped off the building to their death. That weekend at the funeral, the Italian and the Chinese wives are crying and saying "I would have fixed him something else for lunch but he never told me." And as the two wives stare at the blondes wife, they both ask why she isn't sad about her husbands death, the blonde guy's wife replys "Don't look at me, he packs his own lunch."
Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. Austin from Texas, Neal from Canada, and the last one was from San Diego named Villa.
At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors, the guard said, “Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don’t you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?”
So, to the back fence they all went to check it out.
First to step up was the Austin. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, “Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”
Next was Neal from Canada. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, “Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.
Without so much as moving, Villa said, “$2,700.”
The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”
“Easy,” he said $1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire Neal.”
At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors, the guard said, “Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don’t you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?”
So, to the back fence they all went to check it out.
First to step up was the Austin. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, “Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”
Next was Neal from Canada. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, “Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.
Without so much as moving, Villa said, “$2,700.”
The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”
“Easy,” he said $1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire Neal.”
nealtw
Contractor retired
Oh sure give the job the illegal alien:banana:
The new PC term is “undocumented immigrants” or “undocumented contractor” in this case. I would have to know if you are using the exchange rate in your quotes though.
I told this joke to several coworkers who all laughed and then asked who’s Villa?
I told this joke to several coworkers who all laughed and then asked who’s Villa?
nealtw
Contractor retired
undocumented contractors can't be trusted, I would ask for the cost of mat. up front and head for the boarder.
Then Villa would be the guy helping the gaard build the fence.
CallMeVilla
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Great --- rip off my joke, change it around, then blame me instead of the illegal alien contractor??
Try THIS ONE:
One day, there were a bunch of men are on a construction site. A normal, hard working construction worker, an engineer, a scientist, and a union worker. They all happen to be on their break, when the subject comes up about their dogs, and how smart they are.
The construction guy tells everyone how smart his dog is and wants to show everyone, so he calls him "T-Bone! get over here. Do your stuff T-bone" T-Bone runs over to the work kitchen, prepares a perfect dozen of fresh cookies and brings them back!
The guys were pretty amazed. The second guy, the engineer, wants to show off what his dog has, so he calls him over. "T-Square get over here!" T-Square grabs a piece of paper and a pencil, and draws a circle, triangle, and a square. "wow," said the guys not bad..... not bad.
The scientist having his nose up in the air says to all of them, "that was nothing!" "Watch this! Calculus!!! Do your stuff" Calculus runs into the work kitchen and pours 3 glasses of milk that are exactly 8 ounces each, puts them on a tray and carefully drags the tray back!
Well the guys were very amazed with the scientist and pretty much gave him the credit for having the smartest dog. A few minutes go by and they forgot all about the union worker. "What can your dog do??" "Huh who me?" he says. "Coffee Break get in here!" Coffee Break runs over, eats the cookies, drinks the milk, ****s on the paper, screws all 3 dogs (two of whom were male), complains about back pain while doing so, and goes home on worker's compensation leave.
Try THIS ONE:
One day, there were a bunch of men are on a construction site. A normal, hard working construction worker, an engineer, a scientist, and a union worker. They all happen to be on their break, when the subject comes up about their dogs, and how smart they are.
The construction guy tells everyone how smart his dog is and wants to show everyone, so he calls him "T-Bone! get over here. Do your stuff T-bone" T-Bone runs over to the work kitchen, prepares a perfect dozen of fresh cookies and brings them back!
The guys were pretty amazed. The second guy, the engineer, wants to show off what his dog has, so he calls him over. "T-Square get over here!" T-Square grabs a piece of paper and a pencil, and draws a circle, triangle, and a square. "wow," said the guys not bad..... not bad.
The scientist having his nose up in the air says to all of them, "that was nothing!" "Watch this! Calculus!!! Do your stuff" Calculus runs into the work kitchen and pours 3 glasses of milk that are exactly 8 ounces each, puts them on a tray and carefully drags the tray back!
Well the guys were very amazed with the scientist and pretty much gave him the credit for having the smartest dog. A few minutes go by and they forgot all about the union worker. "What can your dog do??" "Huh who me?" he says. "Coffee Break get in here!" Coffee Break runs over, eats the cookies, drinks the milk, ****s on the paper, screws all 3 dogs (two of whom were male), complains about back pain while doing so, and goes home on worker's compensation leave.
nealtw
Contractor retired
Are alien contractors illegal if they don't do any work?
