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zannej

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LOL!
I wish I had video of the time a peacock went medieval on a little kid at the Singapore Zoo. Kid walked up and yerked a tailfeather out. Peacock was not happy. He turned around and launched himself into the air and started bicycle kicking at the kid's face. Spent a few minutes chasing him around trying to bite and pack and kick before the kid hid behind his parents.

Meanwhile, proving that cats are strange creatures: my cat Rupert decided to zerg in to the living room (he's not allowed in there) when I opened the door. He immediately jumped inside a cardboard box and started digging around. Inside the box was some packing material and another very small cardboard box. He managed to squeeze himself in to the smaller box so he was in a box inside a box. But he decided that just sitting in it wasn't good enough. So, he started digging around and the next time I looked, he had flipped the smaller box upside down and was now wearing it over his head and most of his body with just his legs sticking out. No idea WTF he was thinking, but clearly he felt he needed some hiding place/disguise.
 

frodo

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Subject: Lemon Picker


Sally Mullihan of Coral Springs, Florida decided to take one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do.

Sally applied for a job in a Florida lemon grove and seemed to be far too qualified for the job. She had a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and had worked as a social worker and a school teacher.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have," she said: "I've been divorced three times, owned two Chrysler's and I voted twice for Obama."

She starts work in the morning.
 

zannej

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Don't forget to remove your socks! It's an important step
[ame]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d1GHedSAJcU[/ame]
 

nealtw

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[ame]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l-5QeyUdVxc[/ame]
[ame]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZrY4DeQYzq0[/ame]
[ame]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yZRfPgFT7V0[/ame]
 

frodo

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[ame="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NzspsovNvII"]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NzspsovNvII[/ame]
 
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frodo

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...........

the site is doing it again, that is a gif on my PC, but the site switched it to a jpg

get (1).jpg
 

slownsteady

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HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her while making the woo-woo sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ***.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse the snot off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.
Throw wet towel on her pillow.
 

zannej

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...........

the site is doing it again, that is a gif on my PC, but the site switched it to a jpg
Yeah, the giphy site converts it to a video and causes some problems with the format when it's downloaded. I had to copy the link and post it to Tumblr to get it to work.


(At least I hope that works).

A few weeks ago I took my friends to the mall so my male friend's girlfriend could meet up with one of her friends. The friend's parents were at the mall to drop her off. My friend decided to introduce me as his mother rather than try to explain why a 40-year-old woman was hanging out with people in their 20s. LOL. Also, it was a nod to the nurses at the hospital thinking I was his mother when he had his wreck. Anyway, the other day I was talking to some friends in an online chat and was laughing about the time my friend introduced me as his mother. So my brother comes back with something like "Well, that's awkward, because at night he calls me Daddy". LOL. (My brother and his male friends make jokes about dating each other and all sorts of weird stuff-- female friends do that with each other as well).

On a side note, last night my friend's 5-year-old daughter was visiting her great-grandparents and was super hyper. I was sitting on the couch after having helped move some furniture to my truck. The kid came and jumped on me and discovered that my chest was springy and made her bounce, so she started bouncing herself off of my chest repeatedly over and over while I was laughing. When her great-grandmother realized what she was doing she yelled at her. It didn't hurt so I thought it was hilarious.
 

frodo

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American Association of Retired People Questions and Answers from Forum

Q: Where can single men over the age of 70 find younger women who are interested in them?

A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?

A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement.

When you're done, you will have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true?


Where can it be found?

A: Yes. Matthew 14:92:


"And Mary rode Joseph's *** all the way to Egypt”

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your over 70-year-old husband?

A: Tell him you’re pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?

A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?

A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 70 plus-year-old people use valet parking?

A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 70 plus-year-olds to have problems with short term memory storage?

A: Storing memory is not a problem. Retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 70 plus-year-olds look for eye glasses?

A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 70 plus-year-olds when they enter antique stores?

A: "Gosh, I remember these!"
 

frodo

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DAMNIT DAMNIT DAMIT. This site is changing GIF to JPG
Stop it
Your are messing with my CHI

757cb84eaedd3a16b389d9ef34b6aa61.jpg
 

zannej

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DAMNIT DAMNIT DAMIT. This site is changing GIF to JPG
Stop it
Your are messing with my CHI
It seems it doesn't like it when you do them as attachments. You might have to just post them from Tumblr. I have a Tumblr site just for pictures so I can share them with others without having to worry about hotlinking issues.

The AARP thing was great. At least the men can get some relief from the menopause by going somewhere else. LOL. I'm going through it now and it majorly sucks. Wish I could just walk away and leave it behind but noooo. LOL. The short term memory problems were awful (before I got on some medication). I tried to put the butter away in the microwave, the trash in the refrigerator, and started to walk to the bathroom with the milk to put it away. Made it to the hallway and then couldn't remember why I was there with the milk in my hand. And of course my mother decided to mess with me by pretending she asked me to do something and then asking "Don't you remember?" and then laughing when she saw my perplexed expression as I tried to remember if she actually asked me. LOL.

Meanwhile, I wish I had taken video but I didn't want to make them feel any more embarrassed than they already were- but two HD employees were trying to roll up some very lightweight carpet and wrap it in plastic. They kept dropping it, the plastic kept twisting, and they were just having the hardest time. They were apologizing and saying they didn't deal with the carpet often. Then the employee who usually deals with it came back from helping other customers. She had just singlehandedly wrapped up a washer and dryer, loaded them on to the flatbed, then had to help the customers find the right power cord for the dryer and tell them how to install it, and push the cart to the front of the store. She had to cut open the dryer's wrap to look inside for a power cord first, to confirm it didn't come with one, and then she had to re-wrap it. She came back over and started helping with the carpet. She discovered they had the plastic wrap roll backwards and had to tell the other two what to do and it took 3 of them working together to get it done. It reminded me slightly of the 3-stooges. At one point one of the guys said something about "It's like a Chinese fire drill!" LOL!
 
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