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TOOL DEFINITIONS FOR US HANDY-FOLKS:

DRILL PRESS:

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it 
smacks you in the chest and flings your soda pop across the room, denting the freshly-painted project 
 which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.



WIRE WHEEL:

Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. 
 Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, No!"



SKILL SAW:

A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.



PLIERS:

Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blisters.



VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be 
used to transfer welding heat to the palm of your hand.

BELT SANDER:

An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.



HACKSAW:

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.






OXYACETYLENE TORCH:

Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting 
the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.



TABLE SAW:

A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.



HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:

Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping 
the jack handle firmly under the bumper.



BAND SAW:

A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller 
 pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.



TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:

A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.



PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:

Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans while splashing 
 oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.



STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:

A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable 
screws and butchering your palms.



PRY BAR:

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to 
replace a 50 cent part.



HOSE CUTTER:

A tool used to make hoses too short.



HAMMER:
The hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod 
to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.



UTILITY KNIFE:

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. It works 
particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, 
refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
 
Some Witticisms-

Life is too short to waste time matching socks.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes...so she hugged me.

My wife told me that I only have 2 faults. I don't listen and -- something else....

Just For Kicks: At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

I thought growing old would take a lot longer.

The reason we are born with two hands is so the we can pet two dogs at once!

A dog happily accepts you as the boss. A cat wants to see your resume.

The AARP version of the children's rhyme "Head, Shoulders, Knees & Toes" is "Wallet, Glasses, Keys & Phone".

If you see me talking to myself, no worries!. I'm self-employed. We're having a staff meeting.

Technology is great, but I won't be impressed until I can download lunch.

Some (most?) people say I'm crazy. I prefer Happy With A Twist!
 
Short but true story from my dad's childhood. A little background, one of his teachers had a beef with his Mom over something and started treating him like dirt and labeled him as a "bad" kid so other teachers treated him badly too. He ended up hating school bc he was bored there and treated poorly. He got flunked a few grades due to lack of attendance-- a truant officer would pick him up from home, drive him to school and watch him walk through the front door-- but didn't see him go right out the back. He'd go fishing or to work (as an usher at a movie theater-- he also delivered newspapers before school). He only made it to 8th grade and was asked to drop out when he was 16. But that last year in 8th grade some of the highschoolers decided to bring baseball bats, chains, and various other implements to use as weapons to try to beat up the middle schoolers. Only a lot of the middle schoolers were flunkies like my dad so they were older and bigger than the high schoolers. It did not go well for the high schoolers. Middle schoolers took their weapons away and beat the crap out of them. Meanwhile, the middle school principal stood there watching and cheering the middle schoolers on.
 

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