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All I Really Need to Know I Learned From the Noah's Ark story

1. Don't miss the boat.

2. Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.

3. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

4. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.

5. Don't listen to critics, just get on with what has to be done.

6. Build your future on high ground.

7. For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

8. Two heads are better than one.

9. Speed isn't always an advantage; the snails were on board with the cheetahs. (and the turtles)

10. When you're stressed, float awhile.

11. Remember that the ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic was built by professionals.

12. Remember that woodpeckers inside are a larger threat than the storm outside.

13. No matter the storm, when you're one with God ------- there's a rainbow waiting.
 
The Ant & the Grasshopper
(Modern Version)

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer
long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and
dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press
conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm
and well fed while others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN , and ABC show up to provide pictures
of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his
comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by
the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this
poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper,
and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green."

Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton stage a demonstration in front of the
ant's house where the news stations film their group singing, "We shall
overcome." Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the
grasshopper's sake. Al takes up the offering.

Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid exclaim in an interview with
Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper,
and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his
fair share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity &
Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate
number of green bugs and,having nothing left to pay his retroactive
taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

Hillary gets the ACLU to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit
against the ant, and the case is tried before a jury comprised of
single-parent welfare recipients.

The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up
the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in,
which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him
because he doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident
and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who
terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote.
 
Baptizing a Drunk Man

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes
upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into
the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

The preacher pulls the drunk up and asks him, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk sputters, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"

The drunk again sputters and answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wit's end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk sputters, spits, wipes his eyes, catches his breath and asks the preacher, "No, preacher, but I've got two questions for YOU. Don't you have anybody else looking, and are you sure this is where He fell in?"
 
Just Lookin Around

I was at Walmarts the other day and a blind man walked in with his seeing eye dog on a leash.

After being in the store for a few minutes, he suddenly started swinging his seeing eye dog by
the leash around in a circle

The manager ran over and asked him, "what are you doing???"
The blind man said, "I'm just looking around"

* * * Sometimes I tell this to young people with a straight
face as though it's a really story... just to mess with them!
laughing.gif
 
Blonde Riding Horse

A blonde named Anna had a near death experience. The other day she went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off.

Just when things could not possibly get worse, her foot got caught in the stirrup. When this happened, she fell head-first to the ground. Her head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down.

Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager happened to walk by and unpluged it.
 
Blondes and Christmas Trees

There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods
searching for a Christmas tree.

After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolfs,
one blonde turned to the other and said, " I'm chopping down the next tree I
see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"
 
Butt Dust

"Dear Lord..." the pastor began with arms extended, a rapturous look on his upturned face and using suitable voice inflections to emphasize the piety of his plea, "... without you, we are but dust"

He would have continued, but at that moment, one very obedient little girl leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, what is BUTT dust?"

Church was pretty much over at that point...
 
Sorry guys... I got lots of jokes like this on my computer that I have saved over the years smile-grin4.gif
 
Special Instructions for Cleaning Cats

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,
The Family Dog
 
Cold water

A grandson goes to visit his grandpa back in the sticks who he hasn't seen in years. He stays all night with him, and grandpa makes breakfast. The grandson notices dried egg already on the plate and comments about it to gramdpa. Grandpa says, "Son, that's just about as clean a plate as you can get from cold water." Grandson stays for lunch, same thing, a little spot of dried hash in one corner of the plate. He comments to grandpa about it, Grandpa says, "Son, I told you, cold water can't get a plate much cleaner than that."

The afternoon draws on, and the grandson says his goodbye. He goes to the front gate and an old dog begins barking at him. He says, "Hey grandpa, call your dog, I can't get out." Grandpa says, "Cold Water, get away from that gate!"
 
Corndawg Jokes

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick.

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.

23. One hydrogen atom to the other: "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile !!
 
Wheres the cough medicine?

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk
"What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk replies, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the
cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner screams, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!"

The clerk calmly replies, "Of course you can! Look at him; he's afraid to cough!"
 
Counseling on Tuesdays and Thursdays

After just a few years of marriage filled with constant
arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to
save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at
each other's throats for some time and felt that this was
their last straw.

When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor
jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What
seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his
long face down without anything to say. In contrast, the
wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the
wrongs within their marriage.

After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor
went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed
her passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards, the
wife sat speechless.

The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who
stared in disbelief. The counselor said to the husband,
"Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her
here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
 
Old Country Preacher

I remember the story about the old country preacher who had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought along the line of choosing a profession. Like many young men, then and now, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do- and he didn't seem overly concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. What he did was, he went into the boy's room and placed on his study table these three objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whiskey...

"Now then," the old preacher said to himself, "I'll just hide behind the door here, and when my son comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which of these three objects he picks up. If he picks up the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be o.k. too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a drunkard - a no-good drunkard and Lord, what a shame that would be."

The old man was anxious as he waited, and soon he heard his son's footsteps as he came in the house whistling and headed back to his room. He deposited his books on the bed, as a matter of routine, and as he turned around to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.

With a curious set in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. What he finally did was, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink... "Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, "He's gonna be a politician!"
 
Dear Tide:

I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all through my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.

Now that I am in my fifties, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.

One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect!

I thank you, once again, for having such a great product.

Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people
 
Things On a Dog's "Must Remember" List

I will not play tug-of-war with doggie daddy's underwear when he's on the toilet.

The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

I will scootch my bottom along the grass to rid myself of hangers-on.

I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.

I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE
entering the house.

I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting on the toilet.

I will not roll my head around in other animals' poop.

I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.

I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.

I will not throw up in the car.

I will not roll on dead birds, seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.

I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.

"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.

I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.

I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.

The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are doggie mommy's and doggie daddy's laps.

My head does not belong in the refrigerator, dishwasher or trashcan.

I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.

I will not spend more than 5 minutes trying to find the "perfect" place to poop.

I will not eat other animals' poop.

I will not take off while on leash to chase squirrels while doggie mommy is standing on a slippery grass slope.
 

How many dogs to replace a lightbulb?

1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

4. Rottweiler: Make me.

5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?

10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

12. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there

13. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

14. Australian Blue Heeler Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle ...

15. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

The Cat's Answer: "Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"

ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF.
 
Reasons why English is hard to learn

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it
was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
 
Ever wonder why?

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
 
Face warning!

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly, she said, "You know, Bobby, when I was a little girl, I was told that if I made ugly faces, my face would freeze and always stay like that."

Bobby looked up into her face and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
 

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