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Fishing jokes 1

A local sheriff got an unexpected call one day--an old college friend was passing through and wanted to go fishing for an afternoon. They hadn't seen each other in 25 years. The sheriff provided the boat, gladly, and the 2 men headed out to what promised to be a great afternoon of reliving the old tales and hopefully creating new tales.

As they stopped at the first good fishing spot, the out of towner reached down, grabbed a stick of dynamite, lit it and tossed it overboard. The explosion nearly knocked the sheriff out of the boat. Dead fish floated up and the guest, started scooping them up.

"What are you thinking?" asked the incredulous sheriff. "That's against the law!!"

"Oh, come on, what are you going to do, arrest me?" replies the old friend. "I always fish like this, it's the easiest way."

"There's no sport in that--true fishermen find the best spots, the best lures and the best time of day...we're true craftsmen."

While the sheriff rambled on, the guest reached down into his 'tackle box,' grabbed another stick of TNT, lit it and handed it to the sheriff.

"Now," said the out of towner, "are you gonna keep babbling, or are you gonna fish?"



"So, what's the matter?" asked one woman of her friend over coffee. "I
thought you just got back from a nice relaxing fishing trip with your
husband."

"Oh, everything went wrong," the second woman answered.

"First, he said I talked so loud I would scare the fish.

Then he said I was using the wrong bait; and then that I was reeling in too
soon.

"All that might have been all right; but to make matters worse, I ended up
catching the most fish!"


Jim had an awful day fishing, sitting on the lake all day without a single bite. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish.

He told the fish salesman, "Pick out the four largest ones and throw them at me, will you?"

"Ok. But, why do you want me to throw them at you?"

"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."


A guy was down on Fisherman's Wharf in San Francisco when he saw a seafood restaurant and a sign on the Specials Board which read, "Big Lobster Tales, $5 each."

Amazed at the great value, he said to the waitress, "$5 each for lobster tails . . . is that correct?"

"Yes", she said, "It's our special just for today."

"Well", he said, "they must be little lobster tails."

"No," she replied, "they're really big!"

"Are you sure they aren't green lobster tails - and a little bit tough?"

"No", she said, "they're really big, red lobster tails"

"Big red lobster tails, $5 each?", he said, amazed.

"They must be old lobster tails!"

"No, they're definitely today's."

"Today's big red lobster tails - $5 each?" he repeated, astounded.

"Yes", she insisted.

"Well, here's my five dollars," he said, "I'll take one."

She took the money and led him to a table where she invited him to sit down. She then sat down next to him, put her hand on his shoulder, leaned over close to him and said,

"Once upon a time there was a really big red lobster ..."



Two goobers go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune!

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"

The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"


If fish lived on land, which country would they live in?
Finland.


How do you kiss a pike?
Very carefully


Fly-fisherman's wife: "Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend"
 
Fishing jokes 2

Why are fish smarter than mice?
Because they live in schools.


What side of a fish has the most scales?
The outside.


What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse?
The Codfather


What happened to the fishing boat that sank in piranha fish infested waters?
It came back with a skeleton crew.


Where do fish keep their money?
In the river bank.


How can you tell when a fishermen is lying?
Watch his mouth real close. If it moves he's lying.


Bob and Jimbo were out on the lake one morning. They were having a great day, pulling in fish after fish, until the boat was full. When it was time to leave, Jimbo says, "Boy, the fishing here was great! Hope we can remember how to get back to this spot next time".

"Well", says Bob, "let me fix that!". He pulls out a piece of chalk, and puts a big "X" on the side of the boat. "Now, we'll know where this place is next time". After rowing halfway back to shore, Jimbo suddenly says, "Wait a minute, Bob! What if we don't get the same boat???!!!".


Near a highway bridge several boats were scattered about in the lake as there was the Annual Bass Catchers Classic fishing tournament in progress, when a funeral procession came by on the bridge. Everybody just kept on fishing except for one fisherman, who put his fishing pole down, stood up, removed his hat and remained in that fashion until the funeral procession was passed.

A nearby fisherman happened to see this and was impressed at how respectful the man had been, so he cranked up his boat and pulled up beside the other mans boat. "Howdy, I saw how considerate you were toward that funeral procession, pausing and standing like that. I wish I had been as thoughtful"

The other man replied, "I reckon it's the least I could do. After all, we'd been married for nearly 30 years."


Why didn't Noah do any fishing on the arc?
Because he only had two worms!


Two boys were sitting on the rivers edge fishing. One turns to the other and says "Do fish grow fast?". The other boy replies "I think so. Every time my Dad tells the story about the one that got away it grows another foot"


A pastor loved to fly fish. It was an obsession, but so far this year the weather had been so bad that he had not had a chance to get his beloved wadders on and his favourite flies out of their box. Strangly though every Sunday the weather had been good, but of course Sunday is the day he has to go to work. The weather forcast was again good for the coming Sunday so he called his assistant pastor claiming to have lost his voice and in bed with the flu. He asked if he could take over his sermon.

The fly fishing pastor drove fifty miles to a river near the coast so that no one would recognise him. An angel up in Heaven was keeping watch and saw what he was doing. He informed God who agreed that he should do something.

With the first cast of pastor's line a huge fish mouth gulped down the fly. For over an hour the pastor ran up and down the river bank fighting the fish. At the end when he finally landed the monster size fish it turned out to be a world record Salmon.

Confused the angel asked God, "Why did you let him catch that huge fish? I thought you were going to teach him a lesson." God replied "I did. Who do you think he is going to tell?"


The American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied only a little while.

The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish? The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.The American then asked, but what do you do with the rest of your time? The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life, senor."
The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you.

You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat, with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will this all take?" To which the American replied, "15-20 years." "But what then, senor?"The American laughed and said that's the best part. "When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions.""Millions, senor? Then what?"

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."


Henry took his fishing very seriously. One day his young son, David, burst into the house, crying. His mother asked him what the problem was. "Daddy and I were fishing, and he hooked a giant fish. Really big. Then, while he was reeling it in, the line busted and the fish got away."

"Now come on, David," his mother said, "a big boy like you shouldn't be crying about an accident like that. You should have just laughed it off."

"But that's just what I did, mommy."
 
Fractured Dictionary

Arbitrator - \ar'-bi-tray-ter\:
A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

Avoidable - \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\:
What a bullfighter tries to do.

Baloney - \buh-lo'-nee\:
Where some hemlines fall.

Bernadette - \burn'-a-det\:
The act of torching a mortgage.

Burglarize - \bur'-gler-ize\:
What a crook sees with.

Control - \kon-trol'\:
A short, ugly inmate.

Counterfeiters - \kown-ter-fit-ers\:
Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Eclipse - \i-klips'\:
what an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper - \i'-drop-ur\:
a clumsy ophthalmologist.

Heroes - \hee'-rhos\:
what a guy in a boat does.

Left Bank - \left' bangk'\:
what the robber did when his bag was full of loot.

Misty - \mis'-tee\:
How some golfers create divots.

Paradox - \par'-uh-doks\:
two physicians.

Parasites - \par'-uh-sites\:
what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Pharmacist - \farm'-uh-sist\:
a helper on the farm.

Polarize - \po'-lur-ize\:
what penguins see with.

Primate - \pri'-mat\: removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

Relief - \ree-leef'\:
what trees do in the spring.

Rubberneck - \rub'-er-nek\:
what you do to relax your wife.

Seamstress - \seem'-stres\:
describes 250 pounds in a size six.

Selfish - \sel'-fish\:
what the owner of a seafood store does.

Subdued - \sub-dood'\:
like, a guy, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man.

Sudafed - \sood'-a-fed\:
bringing litigation against a government.
 
Funeral Notice

It is with the saddest heart that we must pass on the following news. Please join us in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Buttersworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

The gravesite was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later
life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very "smart" cookie, wasting his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll
model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly Dad, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
 
Funny Product Warnings

1. On a blanket from Taiwan -NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists -REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE
MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

3. On a Taiwanese shampoo -USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavored milk drink AFTER OPENING, KEEP
UPRIGHT.

5. On a New Zealand insect spray -THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer -TO AVOID CONDENSATION
FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

7. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles OPEN OTHER END.

8. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVORITE
BREAKFAST CEREAL?

9. On a Sears hairdryer -DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

10. On a bag of Fritos -YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY.
DETAILS INSIDE.

11. On a bar of Dial soap -DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.

12. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box)-DO NOT TURN
UPSIDE DOWN.

13. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.

14. On a Korean kitchen knife -WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.

15. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights -FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE
ONLY.

16. On a Superman Halloween Costume- WARNING: THIS COSTUME WILL NOT ENABLE
YOUR CHILD TO FLY.
 
Funny sayings...kinda

IF MONEY DOES NOT GROW ON TREES, WHY DO BANKS HAVE BRANCHES?

If you cut off a glowworm's tail would it be delighted?

How do you know which armrest is yours in the movie theaters?

If you say something is indescribable, isn't that describing it?

Do Dutch people always split the bill?

Can you sleep forever without being in coma?

Why is it called butterfingers when there is no butter or fingers in it?

If you shine a light into a mirror, do you get twice as much light?

How come it was called the Cosby Show when Billy Cosby's character was named Heathcliff Huxtible?

If a Truck is loaded with Helium, would it weigh less than when it was empty? Wouldn't it get better fuel mileage?

Why is the blackboard green?

Why do they call it a black light when it's really purple?

Why do hotdogs come in packs of 8 when hotdog rolls come in packs of 10?

What do you call male ballerinas?

How come the sun makes your skin darker but your hair lighter?

If you dig a tunnel straight through the earth, will you come out with your feet first?

Why are pennies bigger than dimes?

Did they have antiques in the olden days?

Are zebras black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?

If Pringles are "so good that once you pop, you can't stop" why do they come with a resealable lid?
 
Funny sayings...kinda 2

1) At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."

5) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6) In the memo field of all your checks, write " FOR SEXUAL FAVORS".

7) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

8) Don't use any punctuation

9) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

11) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

12) Sing along at the opera.

13) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

14) Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

15) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

16) Have your co workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.

17) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!" "I Won!" "This is the 3rd time this week!!!"

18) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!"

19) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
 
Funny Tech Support Stories
(supposed to be actual accounts from tech support people)

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the 'Any' key is.

2. SAT technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another SAT customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.

4. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the
man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

5. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid," The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses
shouldn't be taken personally.

6. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer but that
his computer still couldn't "see" the printer."

7. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her
response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the mouse.

8. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

9. Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and I had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in...." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.

10. In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from its cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of
the disk and wondered why there were problems.

11. True story from a Novell NetWare Sysop:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotion. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive.

12. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under "Windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting
in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine."

13. Tech Support: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"
 
God Issues Recall Notice to Mankind

The Maker of all human beings is recalling all units manufactured,
regardless of make or year, due to a serious defect in the primary and
central component of the heart.

This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units; code named
Adam and Eve, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all
subsequent units.

This defect has been technically termed "Sub-sequential Internal
Non-Morality," or more commonly known as S.I.N., as it is primarily
expressed.

Some other symptoms include:
1. Loss of direction
2. Foul vocal emissions
3. Amnesia of origin
4. Lack of peace and joy
5. Selfish or violent behavior
6. Depression or confusion in the mental component
7. Fearfulness
8. Idolatry
9. Rebellion

The Manufacturer, who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect, is
providing factory-authorized repair and service free of charge to correct
this SIN defect.

The Repair Technician, JESUS, has most generously offered to bear the
entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs. There is no
additional fee required.

The number to call for repair in all areas is: P-R-A-Y-E-R. Once
connected, please upload your burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE
procedure. Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, JESUS,
into the heart component.

No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, JESUS will replace it with:
1. Love
2. Joy
3. Peace
4. Patience
5. Kindness
6. Goodness
7. Faithfulness
8. Gentleness
9. Self control

Please see the operating manual, the B.I.B.L.E. ( Believers' Instruction
Before Leaving Earth) for further details on the use of the fixes.

WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction
voids any manufacturer warranties, exposing the unit to dangers and
problems too numerous to list and will result in the human unit being
permanently impounded.

For free emergency service, call on JESUS.

DANGER: The human being units not responding to the recall action will
have to be scrapped in the furnace.

The SIN defect will not be permitted to enter Heaven so as to prevent
contamination of that facility. Thank you for your attention!

GOD

Please assist where possible by notifying others of this important recall
notice, and you may contact the Father any time by "Kneemail"
 
Good news, and bad news for Pastors

Good News: You baptized several today in the river.
Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current.

Good News: The women's group voted to send you a get-well card.
Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30.

Good News: The pastor-church relations committee accepted your job description the way you wrote it.
Bad News: They were so inspired by it that they decided to call a new pastor capable of filling the position.

Good News:The trustees finally voted to add more church parking.
Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of the parsonage.

Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks.
Bad News: You were on vacation.

Good News: The youth of the church came to your house for a visit.
Bad News: It was in the middle of the night and they were armed with toilet paper and shaving cream.

Good News:The church has agreed to send you to the Holy Land for study.
Bad News: They are waiting for war to breakout before sending you.
 
Gotchas!

A golf pro dragged himself into the clubhouse looking as though he'd just escaped a tornado.

"What's wrong?" a woman asked.

"I just lost a game to Houlihan," the pro said.

"What? But Houlihan's the worst player I've ever seen. How could he have beaten you?"

"He tricked me," the pro said. "On the first tee, he asked for a handicap. I told him he could have 30, 40, 50 strokes - any handicap he wanted. He said, 'Just give me two gotchas.'"

"What's a gotcha?" asked the woman.

"That's what I wanted to know," the pro said. "Houlihan said, 'You'll see.' Then, as I was teeing off, just as I had my club poised, he grabbed my shorts and gave me a wedgie and screamed out 'Gotcha!'"

"I can guess what happened," the woman said.

"Sure," the pro said. "That gotcha threw me off, and I missed the ball completely."

"Understandable," the woman said. "But still, that's only one swing. How did he win the game?"

The pro answered, "I couldn't swing well the rest of the game because I was watching out for that second 'gotcha!'"
 
Honking to pass

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from
Phoenix to Flagstaff, Arizona (about 140 miles). He got as
far as Black Canyon City (about 40 miles) before the
mountains just became too much and he could go no farther.

He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a
single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled
over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't
fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of
rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He
tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he
was going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that
he would slow down.

Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly,
another Corvette blew past them. Not to be out done, the
Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short
distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over
120 MPH, blew through a speed trap.

The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and
radioed to the other officer that he had two Corvettes
headed his way at over 120 MPH.

He then relayed, "...and you're not going to believe this,
but there's guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass."
 
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on first?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT...

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do Ido?

ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue "1".

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.

COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later...)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".
and you have to just know the rest ....lol
 
"Honey, if I died, would you re-marry?"

A wife asks her husband, "Honey, if I died, would you re-marry?"

"After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need
companionship."

"If I died and you re-married," the wife asks, "would she live in this
house?"

"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want
it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would."

"If I died and you re-married, and she lived in this house," the wife
asks, "would she sleep in our bed?"

"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It's going to
last a long time, so I guess she would."

"If I died and you re-married, and she lived in this house and slept
in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?"

"Oh, no," the husband replies. "She's left-handed."
 
It's not my fault

This guy gets hired to paint lines down the middle of the highway. The first day he paints 109 miles. The boss is impressed! He tells him that if he keeps this up he'll be getting a raise and a promotion! But the next day he only manages to paint 5 miles.

The day after that he only gets one mile done. At the end of the day he's told that he's fired. "It's not my fault!" he says, "I kept getting farther away from the paint can!"
 
Jokes by Late Night TV Host

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex and rich food. He was healthy right up to the time he killed himself.

Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover that once a year is way too often.

And on the show tonight, we have five Miss America contestants and some dogs. (Audience Roars) I mean real dogs. (More laughter) Come on now, you know I mean dogs that bark.

The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
 
Say What??? - 1

I had a helicopter once... but had no place to park it.
So I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now.
But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."


When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy,
"Do you have any toy train schedules?"

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money.
They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Aggie mechanic to customer: I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.

I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me -- and I didn't hear it.

I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "Help Wanted." There was another sign below it that said "Self Service." So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

I went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity. I said, "Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?"

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

What do batteries run on?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...
I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad.
He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth.
On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

My Aggie neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box.
I was an only child....eventually.

We were in Salino, Utah when we were arrested for not going through a green light. We pleaded "maybe". I asked the judge if he knew what time it is, he did, and I said, "No further questions."

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if you eat less than you can.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me . . they were cramming for their finals.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"


I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts," but, "you have to put your two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny.

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.
 
Say What??? - 2

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

I heard that in relativity theory space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

I worked as a lumberjack for a lumber company. All of the trees were just 10 feet high and 1/4 inch thick. We made paneling.
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?

I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.

I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

I know an aggie that tried to rob a department store... With a pricing gun... He said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill in the rest.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it...

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station... GO FIGURE!

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

The only thing houseflies fear more than the Venus fly trap is the hanging plant.

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Are there any questions?


A day without sunshine is like...Night!

On the other hand you have different fingers

I just got lost in thought...it wasn't familiar territory.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Support Bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.

Light travels fast than sound, which is why some people appear to
be bright until you hear them speak.

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

What disease did "cured ham" actually have?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

Why do they sell bags in boxes.dont they have any confidence in their own product?
 
Just leave it in the garage

Norman and his wife live in Minneapolis. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through. " Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..........." then the electric power goes out, and Norman's wife is very upset.

With a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
 
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