The Joke thread
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Chris
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DIVORCE versus MURDER
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the Pharmacy, walked up to the
Pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide."
The Pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The Pharmacist's eyes grew big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give
you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll
throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You
CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with
the Pharmacist's wife.
The Pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the Pharmacy, walked up to the
Pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide."
The Pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The Pharmacist's eyes grew big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give
you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll
throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You
CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with
the Pharmacist's wife.
The Pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Trophyman
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Well a lot like 57's dog story, this one is also true.
A guy that I used to work with lived in Pa on a small farm (3acres). Just like every other day he goes home sits on the back porch and drinks a few brews to unwind. Well, this day his big Chesapeake Bay retriever walks up with the next door neighbors kids pet flop ear rabbit in it's mouth, dead.
George, my friend, goes into a panic. The kids love that rabbit and play with it all the time. He jumps up and snatches the lifeless rabbit from the dogs mouth. He quickly brushes most of the dirt off the rabbit and runs next door to put the rabbit back into it's cage in the neighbors backyard before anybody gets home.
The next day, Saturday, George is out back doing some work when the neighbor walks up to talk. They sit down on the back porch and pop a brew to relax. After a few minuets the neighbor blurts out, "hey, ya know that flop ear rabbit that the kids have" nervous George says "yea" neighbor says "well, he died last week and me and the kids took him out in the woods and buried him. I come home yesterday and damned if he wasn't back in his cage!
George says, glad I didn't give him a bath and fluff him up!
A guy that I used to work with lived in Pa on a small farm (3acres). Just like every other day he goes home sits on the back porch and drinks a few brews to unwind. Well, this day his big Chesapeake Bay retriever walks up with the next door neighbors kids pet flop ear rabbit in it's mouth, dead.
George, my friend, goes into a panic. The kids love that rabbit and play with it all the time. He jumps up and snatches the lifeless rabbit from the dogs mouth. He quickly brushes most of the dirt off the rabbit and runs next door to put the rabbit back into it's cage in the neighbors backyard before anybody gets home.
The next day, Saturday, George is out back doing some work when the neighbor walks up to talk. They sit down on the back porch and pop a brew to relax. After a few minuets the neighbor blurts out, "hey, ya know that flop ear rabbit that the kids have" nervous George says "yea" neighbor says "well, he died last week and me and the kids took him out in the woods and buried him. I come home yesterday and damned if he wasn't back in his cage!
George says, glad I didn't give him a bath and fluff him up!
cruzn57
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A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. Ive got a special game for you. Ill do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint
my
house."
cruzn57
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A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: hes allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "Thats not surprising," the elders say. "Youve done nothing but complain since you got here."
cruzn57
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A Jewish man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, "Peace in the Middle east, that's my wish." The genie looks concerned, then says "No, I'm sorry, that's just not possible. Some things just can't be changed. Do you have another wish?" The guys says 'Well...for my whole life I've never received oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish." The genie pauses for another moment and then says "How would you define peace?"
O
oldognewtrick
Guest
Now I understand health care expenses.
WHY OUR HEALTH CARE COSTS ARE SO HIGH!
Kevin had shingles.Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?
Here's what happened to Kevin:
Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had...
Kevin said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had.
Kevin said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Kevin said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'
HOPE THIS MAKES YOU LAUGH OUT LOUD LIKE I DID... THAT'S WHY I HAD TO SEND THIS TO YOU....THESE DAYS WE NEED ALL THE LAUGHS WE CAN GET
WHY OUR HEALTH CARE COSTS ARE SO HIGH!
Kevin had shingles.Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?
Here's what happened to Kevin:
Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had...
Kevin said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had.
Kevin said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Kevin said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'
HOPE THIS MAKES YOU LAUGH OUT LOUD LIKE I DID... THAT'S WHY I HAD TO SEND THIS TO YOU....THESE DAYS WE NEED ALL THE LAUGHS WE CAN GET
cruzn57
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Just Cowboy
>
> A drunken man lay sprawled across three entire seats in
> the posh Amarillo Theater.
>
> When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the
> guy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
>
> The man groaned but didn't budge.
>
> The usher became more impatient: "Sir, if you don't get up
> from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
>
> Once again, the guy just groaned. The usher marched
> briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with
> the manager.
>
> Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him
> , but with no success.
>
> Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed
> the situation briefly, then asked, "All right buddy, what's
> your name?"
>
> "Just Cowboy, just Cowboy", he moaned.
>
> "Where ya come from, Cowboy?" asked the Ranger.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle
> , he replied, "The Balcony."
>
> A drunken man lay sprawled across three entire seats in
> the posh Amarillo Theater.
>
> When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the
> guy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
>
> The man groaned but didn't budge.
>
> The usher became more impatient: "Sir, if you don't get up
> from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
>
> Once again, the guy just groaned. The usher marched
> briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with
> the manager.
>
> Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him
> , but with no success.
>
> Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed
> the situation briefly, then asked, "All right buddy, what's
> your name?"
>
> "Just Cowboy, just Cowboy", he moaned.
>
> "Where ya come from, Cowboy?" asked the Ranger.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle
> , he replied, "The Balcony."
ME87
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Hope none of you are Bears fan, I'm a 49's fan for life though so it was a good night.
Here's the Joke
CPS takes a little boy to court because he's being abused. The judge asked who he wants to live with....
Little boy says "I don't want to live with my mom because she beats me"
"I don't want to live with my dad because he beats me"
So the judge says so who do you WANT to live with?
Little boy replies "I want live with the Chicago Bears because they don't be anyone!"
Here's the Joke
CPS takes a little boy to court because he's being abused. The judge asked who he wants to live with....
Little boy says "I don't want to live with my mom because she beats me"
"I don't want to live with my dad because he beats me"
So the judge says so who do you WANT to live with?
Little boy replies "I want live with the Chicago Bears because they don't be anyone!"
cruzn57
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The chicken and the Harley.
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved
to play together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a
bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to
go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the
farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no
avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with
a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his
friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see
the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to
get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the
farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and,
with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the
farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he
returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best
Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and
soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to
save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the
large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his
hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the
pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up
and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?
(yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)
'When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved
to play together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a
bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to
go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the
farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no
avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with
a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his
friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see
the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to
get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the
farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and,
with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the
farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he
returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best
Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and
soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to
save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the
large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his
hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the
pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up
and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?
(yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)
'When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!
cruzn57
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Dear Diary,
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double pane, energy efficient kind, but this week I got a call from the contractor, complaining his work had been completed a year ago and I had
yet to pay for them.
Boy oh boy, did we go around and around!
Just because I'm a blonde does not mean I'm automatically stupid.
So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year, namely, that in one year, the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up. I have not heard anything back.
Guess I won that stupid argument
__________________
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double pane, energy efficient kind, but this week I got a call from the contractor, complaining his work had been completed a year ago and I had
yet to pay for them.
Boy oh boy, did we go around and around!
Just because I'm a blonde does not mean I'm automatically stupid.
So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year, namely, that in one year, the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up. I have not heard anything back.
Guess I won that stupid argument
__________________
O
oldognewtrick
Guest
Homesick Snowbirds
I was in Ft. Myers , Florida the other day
and I saw a bumper sticker on a parked
car that read, "I miss Chicago ."
So, I broke the window, stole the radio,
shot out two of the tires and left a note
that read, "I hope this helps!"
I was in Ft. Myers , Florida the other day
and I saw a bumper sticker on a parked
car that read, "I miss Chicago ."
So, I broke the window, stole the radio,
shot out two of the tires and left a note
that read, "I hope this helps!"
cruzn57
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After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said,
"Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black
and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.
Now ... I have a $350,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV,
but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me if I could even find a hot 23-year-old girl who'd want me,
she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car,
sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems!
"Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black
and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.
Now ... I have a $350,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV,
but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me if I could even find a hot 23-year-old girl who'd want me,
she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car,
sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems!
O
oldognewtrick
Guest
Filming a TV commercial tragedy.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=Xoe5Vjl90-o
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=Xoe5Vjl90-o
O
oldognewtrick
Guest
The Postman
One Monday morning the postman is walking through the neighbourhood
on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the
homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with
a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of
a party last night,' the Postman comments.
David, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night.
This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday
morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighbour-
hood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all
got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I.'
The Postman thinks a moment and says,
'How do you play WHO AM I?'
Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time
covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing
through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is..'
The postman laughs and says,
'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded.
'Your name came up 7 times.'
One Monday morning the postman is walking through the neighbourhood
on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the
homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with
a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of
a party last night,' the Postman comments.
David, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night.
This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday
morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighbour-
hood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all
got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I.'
The Postman thinks a moment and says,
'How do you play WHO AM I?'
Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time
covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing
through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is..'
The postman laughs and says,
'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded.
'Your name came up 7 times.'
O
oldognewtrick
Guest
In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???...) On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)! On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????..)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???.....)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.) On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???...) On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)! On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????..)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???.....)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.) On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
