Today, I got a phone call that Caller ID identified as a 'Skype Call User'. I answered, and the quality of the line was very poor, the man had an obvious indian accent. He told me that he was calling on behalf of microsoft because programs on my computer had alerted him of an issue. And that every time there was a problem, even if I did not click yes to send it sent an alert so that they could help fix the problems. And that the problem was on my computer that while it was not critical yet, it would be critical soon. I asked him which computer, he told me with great emphasis 'It is YOUR computer'. I asked him again, which computer, noting there were multiple computers in the household, and he said 'YOUR computer. You answered the phone, it is your computer.' I again note that it's not my phone, it's the land line, and he insists again that it is my computer.
Sounds Legit, right?
So I say okay, I'll listen. He asks me if I'm sitting at my computer, I say yes. Then, he asks me to look on my keyboard for the windows key. I tell him that I don't have any keys on my computers that look like my windows. He explains that it is the Microsoft Windows key logo. I say 'oh, I'm using a mac.' There is a long pause and a heavy sigh, and I sense he's about to hang up, so I tell him 'I have a microsoft computer, though!' He says 'could you please go to that computer?' I chipperly tell him okay and then stand up, and walk in place for a little bit, making sure he can hear my footsteps over the phone. Then I sit back down at my computer, and resume playing Wartune on Facebook.
So then, he tells me to find the windows key. He explains that it is the Microsoft logo, I tell him I don't know where that is, so he specifically tells me that it is usually between the left cntrl and alt keys. And I respond 'Oh! The penis key!'. He tells me no, the windows key, and I say,but mine has a penis drawn on it. so he describes the windows log to me in detail, and I say 'Yeah, the penis key.' He sounds confused. and I say 'I guess they don't all look alike'. So he shrugs that off and tells me to hit that with R to open up the Run function. Well, I tell him that nothing happened. He asks me what I saw on my computer screen. I tell him 'Nothing. It's black'. He asks me if my monitor is on. I tell him no. Then, he asks me to turn it on. So I tell him okay (still playing on Wartune). He asks me what I see. I tell him 'It says no Signal.' He sighs, and then he asks me several questions about whether my computer has lights on it, if it is plugged in etc. I tell him no to all of the above, and essentially I make him walk me through plugging in and turning on my computer, and starting it up. So after all of that, he tells me to hit the Windows+r to open run. He tells me 'Enter M as in Martin S as in Sam' or something like that, and I stop him there and say 'I don't want to run MS! Multiple sclerosis is bad for my computer!' so he sighs, and explains that it stands for Microsoft, and that he wants me to put in MSConfig.
So I tell him I did, and he starts explaining to me how I need to go to services, and that some of the programs have stopped, and that means there is a problem, but he can help me fix it.That he will tell me what to do, that I can fix some of it myself, but that some of it I will not be able to fix. So that I will have to give him access to my computer so he can see my screen. At this point, I tell him 'Oh, thank you, but I've figured out how to fix it. I'll just hit the penis key until my computer cums.' At which point he finally just sighs and says 'Have a good day sir'.
To which I replied 'Okay, and started hitting a random key very loudly on my keyboard while yelling 'WHEEE!!!' before I hung up.
