Builder's Joke Thread

Discussion in 'General Chit-Chat' started by Square Eye, May 31, 2006.

  1. May 31, 2006 #1

    Square Eye

    Square Eye

    Square Eye

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    Post your funnies here!

    I've got an old one to start.

    A man contracted to paint a church. He noticed that he had not bought enough paint, it was Friday and he couldn't possibly get the additional paint he needed before the big event at the church. He had promised it would be done, so he decided to thin the paint so it would spread further.

    Sunday came and the membership was seriously disappointed with the paint job. There were places where it was so thin you could see right through it. There were other places where it ran and dripped on the sidewalks and steps. The congregation called an emergency meeting.

    They decided to have the man come back and redo the paint. The job fell on the pastor to go tell the man he had to come back and redo the paint. So, the pastor was a good man who was always very thoughtful about what he said and keeping peace and all. He went to the man's home Monday morning and knocked on the door. The man came to the door and the pastor still didn't know what he was going to say to the man. The man, kind of shocked at the sight of the preacher, blurted out "Excuse me preacher, I don't feel very well, this hang-over has me by the tail!"

    The preacher immediately knew what to say,,




































    REPAINT!!


    AND THIN NO MORE!!!!



    P-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-Ha-ha-ha-ha,,

    Well, I thought it was kind of funny.

    Somebody please top this with something better!
     
    CallMeVilla likes this.
  2. Jun 2, 2006 #2

    inspectorD

    inspectorD

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    A strong young man is standing around with the other old timers boasting about how he can carry more that everyone there.

    One Ol timer bets him one weeks wages that he can wheel something in that wheelbarrow that that young punk could never carry.

    The young guy boasts "your on old man!!"

    With that the old timer puts out his hand and says...."Get in."

    Never mess with the big dogs!:eek:
     
  3. Jun 3, 2006 #3

    Square Eye

    Square Eye

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    PADOOP-PAH!!

    Come on, somebody has a good one,,,

    heh-heh-heh
     
  4. Jun 3, 2006 #4

    Square Eye

    Square Eye

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    A man walking down the street hears a voice, "13,,..13.. 13"
    He stops and tries to figure out where the voice is coming from.
    He looks up, he looks down, he gets caught looking in a window, then he sees a knot-hole in a tall privacy fence. He assumes it's a construction site and 13 is a measurement and none of his business. He walks on.

    The next day, the same place, he hears the voice again. The lady snaps the curtain shut and today the voice is calling "22,,.. 22,... 22" Well curiosity gets him and he leans down and peeks through the knot-hole in the privacy fence.

    OWWwwwww!%$#@!!!
    Who poked me in the eye?!!!!

    The voice is laughing hysterically, then changes back to "23,,. 23,.. 23"



    PADOOP-POW!


    Ha-ha-ha-ha, THANK YOU! thank you! I'm here every night, come back again, Tell your friends!!
    Thank you! WOO-HOO!
     
  5. Jun 3, 2006 #5

    inspectorD

    inspectorD

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    A construction worker goes to the doctor and say's," Doc...I'm constipated,could you help me."

    The doctor examines him, and after a minute tells him to lean over the table.

    The construction worker leans over the table and the doctor hits him square on his bottom as hard as he can with a baseball bat!!
    Then he sends him into the bathroom to do his business.

    The construction worker comes out a few minutes later and says'"
    Doc..I feel great!! What should I do so this does'nt happen again?"

    With that the doctor replies'"Stop wiping with cement bags.":eek:


    BlaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahhahahaah:rolleyes:
     
  6. Jun 3, 2006 #6

    Square Eye

    Square Eye

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    PADOOP-POW!!

    Watch it dude,

    this is a family show!

    Keep your constipation to yourself!

    P-HA-HA-HA-Ha-ha-ha-ha,,

    SOMEBODY PLEEEEEEEEEEASE, I know there's something funnier out there..
     
  7. Jun 4, 2006 #7

    Daryl in Nanoose

    Daryl in Nanoose

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    3 guys show up for a interview at a Construction and Supply firm
    The first guy gets hired on in the concrete division and the boss sends him on his merry way.
    The second guy gets hired on in the framing division and again the boss sends him on his merry way.
    Well the boss looks at the third guy and says your very small and patete I think I better put you in charge of supplies and sends him on his way.
    Well a couple of hours went by and the boss decides to go check on his new people and first checks out the new guy in the concrete division and seas him hard at it then carries on over to the framing devision and again sees the other new guy hard at it then carries on over the the supplies depot and looks for ever for this new little guy and for the life of him can't figure out where he is. He asked around if anyone has seen him but no one knows where his has gone so the boss decides to go look one more time to see if he can find him and walks around a large tall pile of lumber and all of a sudden the little guy jumps out in front of him and says SUPPLIES, SUPPLIES

    OYAH,OYAH
     
  8. Jun 4, 2006 #8

    Square Eye

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    Padoop-pop!



    Oyah?
     
  9. Jun 4, 2006 #9

    inspectorD

    inspectorD

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    The Whodunnit...

    (this is terrible)
    A person is killed on the job-site....
    The police began questioning the workers, based on past brushes with the law, many were prime suspects. They were a motley crew....

    Here are some past offences..the plumber leaked these stories because he felt he was trapped.

    The roofer had fallen on some bad times and went to the hospital with shingles.Everything was dropped because they felt his 3rd story was ok.
    The electrician was once suspected of wiretapping...though was never charged.
    The carpenter was almost nailed for trying to frame another man, who thought he was a stud.
    The painter has had several brushes with the law...many times he tried to run, his alibis were thin.
    The HVAC guy was known to pack heat, he was arrested but duct the charges.
    The mason was suspected because he gets stoned regularly.
    The cabinetmaker was an accomplished counter fitter.

    Finally the carpenter confessed,the autopsy confirmed the person was hammered when they died.:eek:
     
  10. Jun 6, 2006 #10

    asbestos

    asbestos

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    In about 36 states jokes that bad are against the law
    friends don't let friends tell jokes like that
    only you- can prevent horrible jokes
    this is your brain on that joke -any questions
     
  11. Jun 10, 2006 #11

    inspectorD

    inspectorD

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    Contractor - A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut, or deal.

    Bid opening - A poker game in which the losing hand wins.

    Bid - A wild guess carried out to two decimal places.

    Low bidder - Contractor who was bluffing and is wondering what he left out.

    Engineer's estimate - The cost of construction in heaven.

    Architect - Thinks 3 dimensional, draws 2 dimensional....missing one dimension.

    Critical path method - A management technique for losing your shirt under perfect control.

    Strike - An effort to increase egg production by strangling the chicken.

    Delayed payment - A tourniquet applied at the pockets.

    Auditor - Person who goes in after the war is lost and bayonets the bodies.

    Lawyer - Person who goes in after the auditor to strip the bodies. (Good thing this is family orientated)

    And saving the best for last....

    OSHA - A protective coating made by half baking a mixture of fine print, red tape, split hairs and baloney....usually applied at random with a shotgun. :D :D :D
     
  12. Jun 10, 2006 #12

    asbestos

    asbestos

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    two penguins are taking a bath, when they get out one penguin says to the other "Can you pass me a towel?" the other penguin says "What do I look like, a chair?"





    ps - if someone can explain that joke to me, that would be great
     
  13. Jun 10, 2006 #13

    Square Eye

    Square Eye

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    I think it means that there's no hope for you Asbestos.
     
  14. Aug 2, 2006 #14

    Gandul

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    It is really??
     
  15. Aug 4, 2006 #15

    inspectorD

    inspectorD

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    Well here goes ....sorry in advance.:rolleyes:

    Sing to the beat.....

    Doe....the stuff that buys me beer.

    Ray...the guy that serves me beeeeeeerrrrr.

    Me..the guy who drinks the beer,
    Fa..never the distance to my beeerrrrrr.

    so..think I'll have another beer...
    La..lalalala..beeerrrrrrrr.

    Tea..no thanks I'll have more beer...

    Douh,do, duho,du,do....i neeed more beer.

    Which brings me back to......Dough................:eek:

    Sing that one on your next night out.
    Remember to have some fun with it....I did....:D .
     
  16. Aug 4, 2006 #16

    Square Eye

    Square Eye

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    Advance apology accepted:D
     
  17. Sep 12, 2008 #17

    inspectorD

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  18. Jan 19, 2010 #18

    inspectorD

    inspectorD

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    So i'm sittin on the couch today, an my wife asks me what I'm doin today. I looked right at her and said...same thing I did yesterday!! She say's "you didn't do anything yesterday"...and I told her...I wasn't finished ,and needed to complete the job.:D Then the fight started.........:hide:


    Save the whales...collect the whole set.....:clap:
     
  19. Jan 19, 2010 #19

    Blue Jay

    Blue Jay

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    The Power of a Badge......



    DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

    The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "

    The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

    A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......


    With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

    " Your badge. Show him your BADGE ! "
     
  20. Jan 22, 2010 #20

    inspectorD

    inspectorD

    inspectorD

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    Early morning after counting sheep, I woke up with the chickens, crowin like a rooster. And, since I ate like a bird last night, I was hungry as an Ox.
    After hogging all the food at breakfast, I worked like a mule, till the cows came home.
    That night , I worked the farmers auction, ended up being a little horse.And.. At the end of the day, I was dog tired, and barkin at the moon.
    Why did I do it? I may let the cat out of the bag later......:D
     

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