1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping
pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do
it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian
anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one
you've never tried before
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that
life is serious.
8. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter,
is not a nice person.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite
10. If you look like your passport picture, you
probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other
parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a muffin in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and
narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw
away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides nice
contrast to the real world.
25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
26. If you had to identify in one word, the reason why
the human race has not achieved it's full potential,
that word would be 'meetings.'
27. There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and
28. People who want to share their religious views
with you almost never want you to share yours with
29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up
31. Never lick a steak knife.
32. The most destructive force in the universe is
33. You will never find anybody who can give you a
clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight
34. You should never say anything to a woman that even
remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless
you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that
35. The one thing that unites all human beings,
regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status
or ethnic background, is that deep down inside we
believe we are good drivers.
36. Your friends love you anyway.